Good news to report. Oh my goodness, I was so anxious. I finished up work earlier than I thought I would and had two hours til my appointment. I grabbed a sandwich, and decided to just walk in and see if by chance they could see me an hour early. And they did!
I saw a male Dr. who I've never seen before and I really liked him. He seemed incredibly smart and very invested in my situation. I'm going to recount the appointment in detail for my own memory, but here's the gist:
Baby looks great. Heart rate was about 144bmp. Cervix is closed and still about 3.75 cm long. That is at least a half centimeter shorter than last time. That concerned me, but he assured me multiple times that it was normal, ok, and nothing to worry about. Everything looked great to him.
Then we talked about some stuff...
I told him that I was continuing to have a large amount of clear discharge and I was pretty sure it was bacterical vaginosis (BV) again he said it's a common issue with cerclage patients. I told him they treated me for it at 16 weeks, it went away, and not it's back in full force.
He explained to me that there was once a theory that BV can cause cervical issues and can cause the cervix to open, or cause preterm labor. He said there was then a very large study conducted with BV patients and that the results show that the original theory was untrue. He then went on to say that there was even a result that indicated that treatment of BV may even cause preterm labor.
This just left my head spinning. He then asked what I'd like to do. I didn't know what to say. I hate making these decisions. My gut was telling me to get the meds. So he gave me the prescription but also told me it was my choice whether I take it. Great!
I also mentioned to him that I've been having pain in my lower right side. Between my hip bone and my pelvic bone. I had this pain last time, too, but it started around 17 weeks and was accompanied by pressure. This time, the pain had shown up three times, starting last Sunday. We'd shopped at Sam's club and by the time we got in line, I had to go sit down. Once I sat, the pain was gone. It happened again on Monday when we walked into a couple shops after a lunch. And then again on Wednesday when I ran an errand. The Dr. laughed and said I was forbidden from shopping anymore. He seemed only slightly concerned with the pain issue, but said it was a good reminder to avoid being on my feet unnecessarily.
I asked him a ton of questions. I've learned that each doctor has their own view on things and I wanted to get his perspective. He went over everything with me and was really great at describing things.
He asked me to give him my story from start to finish, as this was our first meeting. So I did. Thanks to this blog, I have a really good memory of what happened and when.
He thought about it for a moment and then wrote me a script for a med I took it last time once on bed rest. I was told it was to prevent uterine contractions and they gave it to me just in case. He said to get it filled and take it and see if it relieves the pain in my side. If it does, then there will be a concern that I have uterine irritability that may have been a trigger in what happened last time. He basically said he didn't think that was the case, but that taking the med would not hurt me and may reveal more information about my condition. I appreciate the proactive approach.
I'm not sure how I"ll be able to tell if it works. The pain is not constant, and he doesn't want me to try to recreate the pain by going shopping, etc. But he said if I feel it, pop a pill and see what happens, so we'll see.
I could tell that he felt for me and he sensed my nervousness. He encouraged me to really take it easy for the next several weeks. He said, he knew he didn't have to remind me as I've lived through the worst outcome possible, but that the next several weeks are literally the difference between life and death. He didn't have to remind me, but it was nice to know he realizes that too and is concerned.
So, overall great news. And my first victory over last time. On this day in my last pregnancy I was 1cm dilated and on bed rest. So we are officially better off this time. Thankfully my next appointment is next Wednesday!
Friday, June 1, 2012
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Today
Today I am 22 weeks and 3 days pregnant. It was on this gestational day, last time, that I was told I'd never carry my baby to term. I was told I was dilated and was not given a whole lot of hope or many options.
I will never forget walking back to the elevator of the Dr.'s office, in a blur of tears, calling my mom to tell her that I wouldn't be home for my baby shower. Calling my work to get my cases covered and of course calling B.
I remained hopeful for the next 11 days, but as you know at 23 weeks and 5 days we lost our precious girl.
I have to admit, if all is well at this appointment on Friday I will feel my first victory. The first time I can officially say, things are better this time around. I will feel the next victory when I open my eyes and feel a baby in my belly on the morning of 23 weeks and 6 days. I cannot wait to feel what it's like to be pregnant beyond the point where we lost our Bremy girl.
I readily admit that I watch a lot of the baby shows. From 16 and pregnant, to Pregnant in Heels it's so intriguing to see others deal with pregnancy, birth and parenting. Tonights episode of 16 and pregnant was emotional. The baby's daddy had passed away in a freak accident and then the young mom went into labor very early. I think her son was born at 33 weeks and was only 3lbs and in the NICU for a while. Do you know how amazing 33 weeks sounds to a mom who didn't make it to 24? And then to see this poor little baby struggling and so tiny made me realize how much time it really takes to cook a healthy baby.
I'll be happy with a living baby in my life, even if she comes too soon for everyone's liking, but I pray so hard that I make it to a point where we don't need NICU and don't have to endure a traumatic birth. I just pray we can skip that stress and worry. It's so hard to imagine what it would feel like to leave that teeny baby in the hospital and go home. I don't know if I'd be able to leave her. There are so many scenarios going through my head.
Right now I will take my victories as they come. Hopefully I'll be celebrating on Friday.
I will never forget walking back to the elevator of the Dr.'s office, in a blur of tears, calling my mom to tell her that I wouldn't be home for my baby shower. Calling my work to get my cases covered and of course calling B.
I remained hopeful for the next 11 days, but as you know at 23 weeks and 5 days we lost our precious girl.
I have to admit, if all is well at this appointment on Friday I will feel my first victory. The first time I can officially say, things are better this time around. I will feel the next victory when I open my eyes and feel a baby in my belly on the morning of 23 weeks and 6 days. I cannot wait to feel what it's like to be pregnant beyond the point where we lost our Bremy girl.
I readily admit that I watch a lot of the baby shows. From 16 and pregnant, to Pregnant in Heels it's so intriguing to see others deal with pregnancy, birth and parenting. Tonights episode of 16 and pregnant was emotional. The baby's daddy had passed away in a freak accident and then the young mom went into labor very early. I think her son was born at 33 weeks and was only 3lbs and in the NICU for a while. Do you know how amazing 33 weeks sounds to a mom who didn't make it to 24? And then to see this poor little baby struggling and so tiny made me realize how much time it really takes to cook a healthy baby.
I'll be happy with a living baby in my life, even if she comes too soon for everyone's liking, but I pray so hard that I make it to a point where we don't need NICU and don't have to endure a traumatic birth. I just pray we can skip that stress and worry. It's so hard to imagine what it would feel like to leave that teeny baby in the hospital and go home. I don't know if I'd be able to leave her. There are so many scenarios going through my head.
Right now I will take my victories as they come. Hopefully I'll be celebrating on Friday.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
A letter to my first
Dear Bremy,
It's hard to find the words to write to you now. There has not been one single day that has passed that I've not thought of you and all that you meant to us. Not one single day. Most of those days have involved a tear, or two, or a lot. Some days more than others. These are thoughts and tears that I mostly keep to myself. Thoughts and tears I mostly have while I'm in the car or while I try to fall asleep. Your sister is a lot different from you as far as her movement and positioning. I'm kind of thankful for that because I can really differentiate you both. As I approach the week that we lost you, it's becoming harder.
It's strange to know what a baby looks like at 23 weeks and 5 days, but I know because of you. It makes it so much more real to know what the baby girl inside of me now is starting to look like, at least developmentally and proportion-wise.
In the last month, the nightly slideshow of the day of your birth has stopped. I don't re-live it every night anymore and I'm very thankful for that because they are the worst memories of my entire life. But now as I type that I grasp for breath because the pain is still there. It's always just-right there.
After we lost you, I wrote that I missed feeling you inside of me and that I did not yet feel that you were watching over us in any way. But I definitely feel you again. Just in little ways. I like to believe you are with my Grandma and Grandpa and that you are being taken care of, that you are happy together.
I'm finally starting to grow thankful for my experience with you. Not completely, but I'm starting to see all of the things that helped us for this time around. The fact that they saw my incompetent cervix relatively early, so that they knew for sure that's what it was. The fact that I was already in the hospital when I went into labor with you. I wonder how much more traumatic it would have been to have that happen out of nowhere at work or at home, or in the car alone? I'm also thankful that the sonographer who measured you at 20 weeks got the measurements wrong. The only reason we were referred to a specialist was because they said your head was too big. The specialist checked, and it wasn't too big at all. But during that check, they saw my open cervix. The worst news, but now, I'm very thankful and know that the measurement was wrong for a reason. And because of that, I was officially diagnosed and then placed in the hospital.
There are a lot of other things in our life that probably would not have happened had you lived. I'm thankful for those things, one big thing in particular (a new house) and of course, your sister. We probably wouldn't have gotten pregnant that soon had you survived. So your quick appearance in our life was not in vain.
I also know my personality has changed, and I hope that it's for the better. I'm a little more reserved and quiet- but also not as quick to judge. I feel more compassionate and empathetic to people's pain. I'd never, ever been through anything that hurt this much and when I see people feeling similarly about things in their life, I get it. I get it much more than I ever used to. As much as it hurts, I'm thankful for it.
You continue to teach me and continue to be a part of our story as a family. I miss you and I love you and I will always wish that you were still with me. I'm thankful for you and grateful for the time I did have with you, my girl.
Love,
Mommy
It's hard to find the words to write to you now. There has not been one single day that has passed that I've not thought of you and all that you meant to us. Not one single day. Most of those days have involved a tear, or two, or a lot. Some days more than others. These are thoughts and tears that I mostly keep to myself. Thoughts and tears I mostly have while I'm in the car or while I try to fall asleep. Your sister is a lot different from you as far as her movement and positioning. I'm kind of thankful for that because I can really differentiate you both. As I approach the week that we lost you, it's becoming harder.
It's strange to know what a baby looks like at 23 weeks and 5 days, but I know because of you. It makes it so much more real to know what the baby girl inside of me now is starting to look like, at least developmentally and proportion-wise.
In the last month, the nightly slideshow of the day of your birth has stopped. I don't re-live it every night anymore and I'm very thankful for that because they are the worst memories of my entire life. But now as I type that I grasp for breath because the pain is still there. It's always just-right there.
After we lost you, I wrote that I missed feeling you inside of me and that I did not yet feel that you were watching over us in any way. But I definitely feel you again. Just in little ways. I like to believe you are with my Grandma and Grandpa and that you are being taken care of, that you are happy together.
I'm finally starting to grow thankful for my experience with you. Not completely, but I'm starting to see all of the things that helped us for this time around. The fact that they saw my incompetent cervix relatively early, so that they knew for sure that's what it was. The fact that I was already in the hospital when I went into labor with you. I wonder how much more traumatic it would have been to have that happen out of nowhere at work or at home, or in the car alone? I'm also thankful that the sonographer who measured you at 20 weeks got the measurements wrong. The only reason we were referred to a specialist was because they said your head was too big. The specialist checked, and it wasn't too big at all. But during that check, they saw my open cervix. The worst news, but now, I'm very thankful and know that the measurement was wrong for a reason. And because of that, I was officially diagnosed and then placed in the hospital.
There are a lot of other things in our life that probably would not have happened had you lived. I'm thankful for those things, one big thing in particular (a new house) and of course, your sister. We probably wouldn't have gotten pregnant that soon had you survived. So your quick appearance in our life was not in vain.
I also know my personality has changed, and I hope that it's for the better. I'm a little more reserved and quiet- but also not as quick to judge. I feel more compassionate and empathetic to people's pain. I'd never, ever been through anything that hurt this much and when I see people feeling similarly about things in their life, I get it. I get it much more than I ever used to. As much as it hurts, I'm thankful for it.
You continue to teach me and continue to be a part of our story as a family. I miss you and I love you and I will always wish that you were still with me. I'm thankful for you and grateful for the time I did have with you, my girl.
Love,
Mommy
Monday, May 28, 2012
21 Weeks
How Far Along: 21
Size of Baby as Relative to Common Household Fruit or Vegetable: Baby is the length of a carrot about 10 1/2 inches head to heel
Gender: BABY GIRL!!!!!
Movement: Much more movement this week. I feel her mostly at night as I go to sleep and sometimes early in the morning. I'm finally feeling actual kicks.
Movement: Much more movement this week. I feel her mostly at night as I go to sleep and sometimes early in the morning. I'm finally feeling actual kicks.
Sleep: Sleeping pretty good, still up at least twice a night for the bathroom.
What I miss: I'm not going to say I miss exercise, because "miss" would be too strong of a word, but I do feel pretty out of shape.
Cravings: loving strawberries this week and chocolate pudding.
Symptoms: pretty tired this week. Took a couple mid day naps which is a rarity for me.
Symptoms: pretty tired this week. Took a couple mid day naps which is a rarity for me.
Best moment of the week: Knowing my cervix is cooperating so far. Huge relief.
Worst moment of the week: Again, just so much anxiety.
It's another count down to my Dr. visit on Friday!!
Friday, May 25, 2012
21 Week Appointment
GOOD news to report! I saw the perinate (my favorite male dr who performed my cerclage) this morning and all is well. Cervix is still nice and long, measuring at over 4cm. I was so relieved. Baby is now back to breach position and is looking adorable as ever.
I did mention to the Dr. that I was a little worried I had again developed bacterial vaginosis, as I'd been having similar symptoms. He was slightly flippant about it and wasn't really calming my nerves. He explained that if I keep taking antibiotics, I'll probably develop a yeast infection which is something they don't want. He was happy to hear I'd already scheduled another appointment for next week and said they'd reevaluate then. I asked him point blank if leaving this untreated would cause my cervix to open and he shook his head, no. I'm a little confused and slightly concerned, but I trust that this guy knows what he's doing so I'm trying not to let it bug me.
I see the office again next Friday but could only get in with a Dr. I've never seen before. I wish I could see the same Dr. every time, but this was the trade off to squeezing in weekly appointments.
Thanks for all of your concern and kind words. I'm feeling so much better and ready to enjoy a long weekend :)
I did mention to the Dr. that I was a little worried I had again developed bacterial vaginosis, as I'd been having similar symptoms. He was slightly flippant about it and wasn't really calming my nerves. He explained that if I keep taking antibiotics, I'll probably develop a yeast infection which is something they don't want. He was happy to hear I'd already scheduled another appointment for next week and said they'd reevaluate then. I asked him point blank if leaving this untreated would cause my cervix to open and he shook his head, no. I'm a little confused and slightly concerned, but I trust that this guy knows what he's doing so I'm trying not to let it bug me.
I see the office again next Friday but could only get in with a Dr. I've never seen before. I wish I could see the same Dr. every time, but this was the trade off to squeezing in weekly appointments.
Thanks for all of your concern and kind words. I'm feeling so much better and ready to enjoy a long weekend :)
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Rough
I'm posting here to hopefully lift a load off of my shoulders and my heart. So many around me are going through difficult or stressful times and I don't want to unload even more on them. I'm just anxious, and maybe even a little depressed this week. Actually, I think terrified is the right word. I just feel paralyzed with fear every day right now. Every twinge, every feeling sends my mind into a tailspin of what-ifs. I have an appointment tomorrow and I'm hoping it will ease my mind, but I'm also so worried about there being something wrong.
Luckily my appointment is first thing in the morning, so I wont be freaking out all day. It wasn't until last night that I had anything that made me think something was wrong. Things just felt different down there. No pressure or anything, just a strange feeling. When I laid down, the baby was kicking me or headbutting me right in the cervix and every time my heart just stopped. I remember this feeling right before I lost Bremy. Was it the baby moving, or was it something else? It was like a thumping feeling. Like knocking every couple minutes. Tears welled up as I just felt so helpless and so frustrated. I just want to know things are going to be ok.
Today I just keep sighing heavily. Even my coworker noticed I just seemed off. It's so hard to put on a happy face when your mind is elsewhere. There are other things going on with my family that are just bummers and some stress for B at work. All have been weighing on my mind. I feel like I could burst into tears at any given moment and I just hate that feeling.
Luckily, I had a really easy day and work and was home early. I took Maverick on a quiet, slow stroll and soaked in some sunshine hoping to turn my day around.
I just hope things are looking good at my appointment tomorow. I know a good report will ease my mind for a few more days. Thank goodness they are seeing me every week, there's no way I could wait much longer for some reassurance. This is so hard.
Luckily my appointment is first thing in the morning, so I wont be freaking out all day. It wasn't until last night that I had anything that made me think something was wrong. Things just felt different down there. No pressure or anything, just a strange feeling. When I laid down, the baby was kicking me or headbutting me right in the cervix and every time my heart just stopped. I remember this feeling right before I lost Bremy. Was it the baby moving, or was it something else? It was like a thumping feeling. Like knocking every couple minutes. Tears welled up as I just felt so helpless and so frustrated. I just want to know things are going to be ok.
Today I just keep sighing heavily. Even my coworker noticed I just seemed off. It's so hard to put on a happy face when your mind is elsewhere. There are other things going on with my family that are just bummers and some stress for B at work. All have been weighing on my mind. I feel like I could burst into tears at any given moment and I just hate that feeling.
Luckily, I had a really easy day and work and was home early. I took Maverick on a quiet, slow stroll and soaked in some sunshine hoping to turn my day around.
I just hope things are looking good at my appointment tomorow. I know a good report will ease my mind for a few more days. Thank goodness they are seeing me every week, there's no way I could wait much longer for some reassurance. This is so hard.
Monday, May 21, 2012
20 Weeks
How Far Along: 20 Weeks- the "half way" point!
Size of Baby as Relative to Common Household Fruit or Vegetable: Baby is the length of a banana
Weight Gain: 9lbs so far
Gender: BABY GIRL!!!!!
Movement: I went three days without feeling her move and I was beside myself with worry. One morning, I literally prayed for her to move I was so scared. She moved about every two hours for the rest of the day. I finally learned from my u/s that my placenta is positioned in a way where it makes it harder to feel her. That really made me feel better. Of course, since then she's been moving like crazy, but I'm not complaining :)
Sleep: Still using the snoogle, still getting up 1-2 times per night for the potty
What I miss: this week I really wanted a beer or a drink, wanted to lift my godson out of his car seat and wanted to plan a trip that I can't take because I'll be pregnant. But, all worth it!
Cravings: still sandwiches, apple pie (I gave in to this one-yuuummm), grilled veggies, raspberries and frozen yogurt :)
Best moment of the week: Baby finally moving more, kicking and flipping. I can finally feel her every day!
Worst moment of the week: Overall the anxiety is starting to get to me a little bit. I'd like to fast forward past 24 weeks, please!
I have another cervix check on Friday. Hoping all is holding steady!
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