Little Things

I feel the need to share this necklace with you all. I purchased it at Forever21 recently, and wore it for the first time today. I received three compliments on it, including one from a man. It's always nice when people notice things you wear. It's called the black/gold flower and leaf necklace. And for $6.80, I figured I'd share in case you were looking for a little something to spruce up an outfit on the cheap. It has a nostalgic feel to it, and also reminds me of the famous van cleef clover necklace (which I've always wanted!).

I typically wear black every.single.day. Yep, it's just the way it is. Since I'm in and out of jails, I don't wear anything too fancy. So I always try to wear some jewelry so I don't look too drab!

October 15th is Miscarriage and Infant Loss Awareness Day

These are Bremy's perfect footprints.

I never would have understood how much this type of loss hurts before I felt it myself. I hope those who continue to suffer find some peace today and I hope those who know someone who has lost a pregnancy or a baby will reach out and let those people know they care an that they remember. For some reason this is still a taboo, but it's the worst thing I've ever felt and I'm not afraid to talk about it.

Like a Smack in the Face

We were having a great weekend. I had a girls night out last night and we stayed out way too late. B hung out with his friend (I was out with his wife) and he drove us home after we all had too many drinks. We slept in this morning and headed out to Ikea to look at some kitchen cabinets we have been eyeing. We were having a great time strolling around, coming up with ideas, looking at all of the display rooms. B has only been to Ikea once before, so he was taking it all in with me. As we made our way past the dresser section, I stopped at the hemnes dresser in white and casually mentioned that this would have been Bremy's dresser. I'd always planned on getting it and using it as a changing table for her nursery. I said it in passing, not giving it a ton of thought, but I looked at B's reaction and knew I'd upset him. He stared at the dresser for a long moment before joining the crowded shuffle following the arrows of the showroom floor. I rubbed his shoulder, gave him a sad face and apologized for upsetting him. We turned the corner, and were suddenly in the kids section. We both looked at each other with watery eyes and clasped hands as we briskly strolled by the pink butterfly room, perfect for a little girl. Around the next corner was a very pregnant lady, I dropped my eyes to the floor. Wow. It was hitting us from every angle. My eyes still down, I almost tripped over an abandoned city select double stroller, the sound of a laughing toddler in the background. I took a huge, deep breath. We couldn't get to the lower level fast enough.

We didn't spend much more time in the store. By the time we made it outside to the sunshine, we both were fine. But, it had been a tough moment. Even though we mention her name often, I think when B saw that dresser, he realized all of the plans we had had for her, for her room and for our future. It was a sad moment for him, and the bombardment of reminders that followed were almost laughable. But we weren't laughing. A friend of mine who lost her 20 year old sister a few years ago wrote to me after the loss of Bremy. She said, "it will never get better, just easier to cope with" and that is just exactly how we feel. We will never feel better about losing our first daughter, but recently, it's been getting easier. A month ago, that moment in Ikea would have broke me. I would have had to run out in tears. I know this. We are healing, but we'll always carry this scar. There will be more moments like this. But we know we are strong enough to handle what we're hit with.

Thursday

So Pioneer Woman's Italian Chicken Soup was a definite fail last night. Such a bummer because it created quite the mess, took a lot of work, and made a ton of soup. It was edible, but not enjoyable. Not the result you want when you've worked hard in the kitchen.

I ate on plan all day once again! I've realized my "witching hour" is 4pm. I'm getting hungry, not ready to make dinner, don't want to eat a lot, but need to have something. That's when I'm typically craving a salty carb. Luckily I don't have much in the house to get me off track, but I've got to make sure to plan ahead for that snack.

Today is a grey, rainy day. I took advantage of my late start work day and slept in a little, enjoyed my cup of coffee and headed to the gym for a nice walk while watching house hunters! Now it's off to work and hopefully home early. I love, love my job!

Here's my meal plan today:

Bfast: coffee and greek yogurt with fruit

Snack: granola bar

Lunch: leftover soup(hoping it tastes better today!)

Snack: apple with peanut butter

Dinner: Pioneer Woman's Sour Cream Noodle Bake ok so this is not the healthiest meal, but it's easy and it looks like it can't go wrong. The secret will be sticking to an appropriate portion. My trick has been loading up a tupperware for leftovers prior to dishing out our own dinner. It's been working!

I have to say, it's been 2.5 days of being on track with food and I feel really, really good. My mood is awesome, my energy is good and I feel in control of things, which is always a good feeling. I'm ready to make it 7 days in a row!

Wednesday

So I successfully went to the gym yesterday! Just a brisk walk on the treadmill, but it felt good to get sweaty. I also ate perfectly yesterday! I might have snuck in a little too much ice cream for dessert, but it was delish!

Here's today's plan:

Bfast: coffee and bowl of Special K cereal

Snack: string cheese and dried apricots

Lunch: leftover grilled chicken breast from last night, broccoli and 1/2 cup mac and cheese

Snack: granola bar

Dinner: Italian Chicken Soup from the Pioneer Woman. I've never made this before so I hope it turns out. It's been raining off and on here so it will be fun to have soup for dinner! I'll make a veggie as well.

Dessert: ??? hopefully I will be full but if not I'll probably have some frozen berries with whipped cream :)

Feel free to share any diabetic friendly recipes!

I don't think I'll have gym time today, but most definitely have to go tomorrow! Hold me to it!

Fall Shows

So, I decide to DVR a couple of new shows. The promos for the new Fall programs were pretty intense, no? I gave in and decided to check a couple out.

My favorite so far is Hart of Dixie. Not joking. It's been a while since I've tuned in to the ol' CW, but I have to say I like this fluffy, girly show. I think Rachel Bilson is adorable and the male co-stars aren't too shabby either! And, since I've always wished I were a Southern belle, the setting is right up my alley. I'm going to keep watching for sure.

I've also been watching Pan Am. I don't know if it's going to be a keeper. I love the style and the dreamy quality of the cinematography, but the story lines are just ok and the characters aren't that love able. Not sure if it will stay on the DVR.

Whitney. They promoted the heck out of this show, so I decided to watch. I haven't watched a show with laughing in the background in years. Like can't even remember the last time I watched an actual sit-com. This show is not good. Sorry. The first two episodes were both involving role-playing because Whitney was self-conscious about whether she and her boyfriend had a strong relationship. I seriously could not believe the second episode was all about role playing just like the first. No thanks!

Up all Night. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to watch this one. I was SO looking forward to watching it while being pregnant, so I didn't know if it would be hard to like since I lost Bremy. But, I decided to tune in. I really loved the pilot episode and I think I'll keep watching. I love Christina Applegate, and well, I love that the baby's name is Amy. It just makes me happy. No one names their baby Amy anymore! It's a cute show and it makes me laugh.

I'm still all about my reality shows and right now it's Bev Hills housewives, Rachel Zoe, Project Runway and whatever Teen mom/16 and Pregnant train wreck is running on MTV. Oh, and as previously mentioned, Sister Wives. Love, love! Wow, that's a lot of shows!! And somehow I've managed to squeeze in 2.5 seasons of Mad Men. Where have I been with this show? SO good. So behind, but I love watching it on Netflix so it's all good. Any recs?

Tuesday

I didn't do so well with my "healthy eating" plan this weekend. And with an anniversary dinner out last night, complete with an ice cream sundae, it's time to get back to reality.

I have a late start for work today, so I'm off to the gym. I should have left 30 minutes ago, but my google reader an pinterest were calling! I thought if I wrote here that I was going to the gym, I would most likely actually go!

Here's my healthy plan for the day:

Breakfast: Coffee and low sugar instant oatmeal

Post-workout snack: cottage cheese and fruit

Lunch: leftover enchilada and pinto beans from last night with a salad

Snack: dried apricots and granola bar

dinner: grilled teriyaki chicken breasts, steamed broccoli and small yukon gold potato

dessert: scoop of ice cream :)

Looks like a good protein to carb ratio to me! Happy Tuesday, all!

Two Year Anniversary

Today, B and I celebrated our two year anniversary. No trips of fancy gifts this year. We recreated our first date and went out for Mexican food and just talked. There is no one I would have rather spent the last two years with.

To a Happy Week!

In an effort to keep this blog as more of a journal of our lives as they are, I have been wanting to write more current updates of things we're doing, rather than only the emotions I'm feeling.

After a very long week, be both crashed Friday after work. It was pizza ordered in and Mad Men on Netflix until we both fell asleep. Saturday we slept in until 10am (practically unheard of for me!!). We decided to head to our favorite breakfast spot in town for a late breakfast. We were both rather disappointed with our usual order. For me, a veggie omelet, fruit and toast and for B ham and eggs with potatoes. We weren't sure if it was a new cook or what, but nothing was prepared as usual. Oh well, we were still full despite leaving quite a bit on our plate. Then it was home for a short walk with Maverick, a visit with B's best friend and his family who live around the corner and back home to get ready for our friend's wedding that night.

In an effort to not wear the navy blue cocktail dress I've worn to the past three "dress-up" events I've attended, I dug out an old black wrap dress I haven't worn in years. Despite having more than enough time to get ready, we were about ten minutes late by the time we got in the car. The wedding was downtown so parking was a bit of a challenge. We were sprinting to the venue, hoping we would make it for the ceremony. We made it with about five minutes to spare! The ceremony right on time an was very quick. With the reception right across the hall, we were enjoying cocktails, dinner and dancing for the rest of the evening. I enjoyed catching up with a few girls I hadn't seen in months. B and I danced til the end of the night. It was a fun party. A bit of a mellow crowd, but we had a great time being out with friends (including B's cousin A, who was the matron of honor).

This morning we were both up and online plotting out our fantasy football teams and also making our picks for our pick 'em league. I've always loved watching sports, but never really understood the ins and outs of football until I started dating B. I'm not ashamed to say I'm completely into football now.

At the wedding with A

Our normal Sunday routine during football season is: up, coffee, I make eggs and B makes his breakfast potatoes. We do our last minute adjustments and sit and watch football all morning. Then it's yard work for him and meal planning/grocery shopping for me. Today was a little different in that B's cousin A came over with her husband. Their kids were at the inlaws so they were excited to spend some time with us. So it was up, showers, tidy the house and enjoy their company. They brought delicious breakfast burritos and we all practically peed our pants laughing and rooting the 49ers on in their victory over the Philadelphia Eagles. It was quite a game and all four of us were extremely intense the whole way through. It was so nice to lose ourselves in a pointless game and then celebrate a win. Then it was back to Sunday as usual around our house. Yard work and menu planning. I spent the afternoon watching more of Mad Men, season three and B hung out with his best friend around the corner.

I grilled cheeseburgers for dinner and B is off to bed. I'm sneaking in a new episode of Sister Wives before bed (why do I love this show?). It was a good weekend and I'm hopeful for a happy week.

A Friday Post

This week kinda sucked. That is just the only way to describe it. There were a couple of high points, but man, what a week. Frustrating work days, draining clients, my first post-partum period (aka niagra falls) and two nights of no sleep due to crying all night, missing my Bremy girl. So hard.

Overall I'm doing much better. I don't think about losing her every ten minutes. But this week, the nights were just hard. Hard to fall asleep without picturing the day we lost her. Hard to fall asleep without worrying about the future for me and B. And for some reason on those two nights that I lay awake in tears, I just could not stop. I had to get up and sit in the hall bath so I wouldn't wake up B. This week was the first week I wanted to open her memory box from the hospital and look at the tiny footprints they took of her feet. I needed to feel something of her. I needed the tangible card stock in my hands with her ten teeny toes in black ink. I cried over her little feet and mourned her loss. Those were two ugly nights for me. My eyes were practically swollen shut I was crying so hard. I just could not stop.

Thankfully the last two nights have been tear-free. I've drifted to sleep without being haunted by this experience. This is something I'm learning: grief really comes in waves and is totally unpredictable.

The high point for my week was my 6-week post partum Dr. appointment where we got the green light to start trying for baby2 in December. Even though we had planned on December no matter what, it was very satisfying to hear my Dr. tell me she thought it would be perfect timing and to hear her say how excited she was for us. We all know it's going to be a very, very scary experience, but we agreed it will also be part of the healing process for us. We talked about what we'll need to do next time around and it made me feel so much more hopeful than I had been feeling.

To have your Dr. give you a big, long, tight hug and look you in the eye and be genuinely hopeful for you meant more to me than I ever could explain. I left the appointment on a high, reminding myself that it is possible we will have a baby next year. It is possible we will be very happy at this time next year.

I'm the type of person who loves to day dream and visualize things I'm looking forward to. I want to imagine a child in our lives. I want to imagine how happy we will be at that time. Part of the problem this week was that every time I'd visualize a healthy baby, my mind would just go back to the day Bremy was born. And then those images just can't be shaken. And then I picture Christmas without her, I realize that she is really, truly gone and will never be.I worry about how we would handle any complications in the next pregnancy...and then the tears

But since my Dr. appointment, I've been able to have happy thoughts about the future. I've been able to daydream about being pregnant again. About a successful delivery at full term. I've talked with Bremy without breaking down. I've discussed the future with B without being completely terrified.

This post has taken me so long to write. It's becoming hard for me to express my emotions as they are so all over the place. It's now Sunday evening, an I'm feeling ok. We had a lovely weekend together and I'm ready to have a happy week.